I know it’s been a while. When I started this blog in January, I committed to writing about what God is doing in my life. I don’t want to write about random things that are happening. That’s not what this blog is about. God led me to this blog and I promised to follow Him. So, knowing this, and being very convicted by this, I’ve been putting off blogging. Not because God isn’t working in my life, because as long as we allow Him to, He will work miracles, but because I’ve not wanted to share what’s been going on. (I feel like I’m just beating a dead horse.) Well, as believers, we all know that if we keep putting off God’s plan, He will slap you in the face with something to get your attention. I praise Him for it!
I don’t like to cry. This hasn’t always been the case, because I’ve been known to make myself cry at the drop of a hat to get my way. Not anymore though. I’ve cried so much this last year that I feel like I’ve cried enough for a life time. So, I guess I’ve “sworn off” crying. This is where God first got my attention (although I still don’t like to cry and have declared that “crying is for sissies”). The morning of Mothers’ Day, David and I got up, got ready, and went to church. I knew it was Mothers’ Day, but since I’m not close to my mother and David’s lives in GA, we didn’t have any plans so it was just a normal Sunday morning to me…so I thought. When we walked into the sanctuary I noticed the flowers that are traditionally given to all the mothers in attendance. At that moment I thought, “This is going to suck.” I made it through the little video that was shown about celebrating mothers. I even pretty much made it through the passing out of flowers. Then, I started feeling the urge to cry. Since I’ve sworn off crying, I tried to distract myself and just make it through the service hoping the feeling would pass. I knew that if someone said something to me or hugged me, or really even just smiled at me, I’d fall apart. Let me back up a few steps though. For a few days before, my allergies had been acting up and I couldn’t get my nose to stop running. Naturally, during church, there’s a good bit of praying so my head was down a lot. When my head was down, my nose started dripping. I looked around the altar to see if there was a box of Kleenex and didn’t see anything. I knew that if I were to get up during the service, someone would think (or at least I felt this way) that I couldn’t handle a Mothers’ Day service, so I just kept wiping with my hand (yes, gross, but what was I to do?). A lady, who is very dear to David and me, sitting a few rows behind us noticed my wiping and sent me some tissue. The service went on and I continued to distract myself, all the while still feeling like I could cry (ladies, I’m sure you all know this feeling). I just wanted to get out of the church. Well, during the invitation, this sweet lady approached David and me and asked if I was crying because I wanted to be a mother. Let the water works begin….That’s all I needed. No, I wasn’t crying, and no, I wasn’t even really thinking about wanting to be a mother, but I was thinking that had everything gone according to my plans this year, I would have been celebrating my first Mothers’ Day as a mother myself. I just sobbed in her arms as she prayed for David and me. I don’t think I even realized how much I am still affected by everything.
Like I said before, I feel like I’m beating a dead horse by continuing to post about this (which is part of the reason why I’ve been putting off updating). I can’t help what God is telling me to do though. We are coming up on a year since the miscarriage. I’m still not pregnant and I’m starting to get pretty discouraged. This is where God got my attention yet again….
My ignorance and earthly desires have been an issue lately. I’ve given my desires to the Lord and have prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. I’ve been doing my very best to “act right” even though I know that’s not how Christianity works (doesn’t hurt to be on your best behavior though). I still don’t have what I want. I understand God has His own perfect timing and when that time does come, it will indeed be perfect. The waiting on that timing is the sucky part though. So, since I haven’t gotten my way according to my timing, I decided it was time for me to take control (this is the ignorance part). Duh…nothing will ever happen if God does not want it to happen. No matter what I do, I can’t change His plans. Why can’t I get that through my very thick, stubborn head?! I really should just stop writing there because I know my faults and know how to fix them…but am I willing?
The Sunday school lesson and the sermon went hand-in-hand today. They both were about (or at least the part I got from them) what’s holding you back from having complete Faith in the Lord? Mike had us write it down on a card and place it on the altar. I wrote selfishness. I really do struggle with acting like the world revolves around me, but that’s not what is keeping me from trusting wholly in the Lord. This is the first thing in my life that I cannot control. That’s what’s killing me. I can’t control something and I am trying everything in the world to figure out how I can. This is the first time when I really, truly, have to have Faith. I have to believe that God will give me the desires of my heart. I have to trust that His Will really is perfect. I have to know that God truly is enough for me.
During difficult or trying times in life, we’ve all had someone tell us that we “just have to have faith.” Fine. How do we get there? Believing in Jesus Christ and knowing He died for us is not enough. That does not give you Faith. We tried to define Faith in Sunday school this morning. I believe that Faith is accepting what you cannot see and do not fully understand. So, how do you get Faith? I may be wrong about this, so please, send your feedback if you disagree (I’m always interested in your thoughts), but I think Faith comes through prayer. Prayer comes from a relationship with the Father. In summation, I think that Faith is accepting what you do not fully understand (at this moment, I do not fully understand God’s plan for my life). Faith develops through prayer (I pray that God will reveal His plan to me, and give me the Faith I need to accept what I do not understand about His plan). Finally, a true prayer life is talking with the Father daily…having a relationship with Him. Asking for your needs and desires and listening to His response, however He wishes to reveal it. I think that’s my problem. I’m not willing to listen. Here comes that selfishness again. I’m willing to talk and ask and me, me, me, me, me, but I can’t wait on His response; especially if it’s not what I want it to be.
Goodness, I shouldn’t put off writing. This is not how I intended this post to turn out either…that’s the good Lord for ya! He’s so amazing. (Why can’t I let Him be in control of my entire life, not just my blog? He’s already proven He’ll take care of EVERYthing! Man, I’ve got some work to do!)
My prayer is that I will follow the cliché: let go and let God. There’s so much truth to that. God’s word says Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you ~ 1 Peter 5:7.
I pray that I will relinquish control to the Almighty Creator, because His plan is perfect. I love this verse…It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. ~ Deuteronomy 31:8 I also pray that you will have Faith in the Holy One. Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 4:6-8
