Spirit of Fear

I’ve been putting off writing for a while, for several reasons.  I’ve shamefully let my priorities get out of whack, and not allowed myself time to do things that help me grow spiritually.  God, in His mighty ways, has let my sewing machine go haywire, so my plans for this week have changed.  Sometimes it takes Divine Intervention to get your attention!

I’ve also been debating what to write about.  I typically have a plan when I start out, but this time, I’m letting God do His thing…since He knows what’s best anyhow.

Let’s start with a baby update =)  It’s a BOY!!!  No, we do not have a name picked out.  We are praying about it and God will give us a name when He’s ready.  Otherwise, our baby will be “FishFin” and that’s not okay =)

Moving on…I have been blessed to be apart of a Bible Study group for the past six weeks.  The curriculum was highly recommend and was described as “life changing.”  So far, it’s been a great experience.  We have a weekly curriculum to do on our own and we basically just discuss what we learned or what stood out to us when we meet each week.  (This has been the best style of a Bible Study for me, because I hate having to do “homework” and watch a video.  I grow more through the discussion, and I believe it helps the group grow closer together as well.)  The best part about the group is prayer.  Each week, we write prayer requests on a note card (all of which must be about ourselves…not about Grandmaw’s toenail that was infected last week), and we are prayed over individually before we dismiss.  The leaders also pray for us everyday throughout the week.

Man, have I felt the prayers!  I even told them last week that I’m almost scared for the study to end because I don’t want the praying to end.  I just know that when we stop the weekly prayers, Satan is going to jump on our weaknesses and try to bring us down.  God will work it out though.  Anyhow, I think I’m going to write about what God has brought to my attention through this study.

It’s been on my heart since a book study we did at school this summer, that I don’t have much of a servant’s heart.  I would like to have a servant’s heart, but I just don’t do much to serve others.  In fact, I don’t think about it that much.  Being the spoiled middle child, the world revolved around me and I just don’t think about putting others before me.  The book this summer inspired me, as a teacher, to get my students more involved in community service projects.  I am one of four sponsors of the SGA at my school.  Every year, we support a charity in the fall and a different one in the spring.  For the last few years, I’ve been proud of us because we are helping the community.  True, but our kids aren’t getting much out of it.  We have a hat day or another fun fundraiser, and simply donate the money to a charity.  The kids are not getting any hands-on experience with community service.  The more I thought about this, the more it was apparent that this is also true in my personal life.  Even on the church side of things, I’ve always just said, “Let me write a check,” rather than get my hands dirty and physically participate.  I’ve justified this by saying that I feel that God has blessed David and me, financially and that’s our way we can further His Kingdom.  This may be true, but why do I feel so convicted?  I need to step up and do my part in serving others.

I’m working on it, and with the help of my wonderful small group friends, they’ve helped me take advantage of the opportunity of being a servant.  With continued prayer, I have faith that God will soften my heart and help me see others as more important than me.  I have a feeling Fishy is going to help with this too =)

Another thing God is working on in me is not having a spirit of fear.  I am a natural worrier.  I worry about EVERYthing.  After hearing friends talk about having the “baby blues” after they’ve had babies, I’ve been anxious about being anxious!  It’s quite ridiculous, but anxiety runs in my family.  In the last few years, I’ve learned to handle anxiety a lot better.  Usually, my body would go out of whack either with migraines, chest pains, heart palpitations or some other ridiculous health problem.  After a few trips to the doctor and them being very quick to prescribe medicine (medicine that made me go CRAZY…so says my husband), I’ve learned how to better deal with stress.  Most of the time, I recognize when I’m about to have a panic attack or migraine or some other strange thing, and I “talk myself out of it.”  I’ve learned to redirect my thoughts and spend a little time in prayer, because I’m usually stressing about stuff I can’t control anyhow. 

Well, with baby, comes new stress.  About a week before every doctor’s appointment so far, I have physically made myself sick with worry.  I don’t want anything to be wrong. I want good news. I always expect the worst.  I’ve had to be reminded several times, that this baby is part of God’s glorious plan.  It was His Will that I be pregnant right now, and His hands are working perfectly and magnificently in forming every part of my baby.  Part of my prayer requests each week has been that I can relax and just enjoy being pregnant.  My mind has been transformed as I’ve learned that God did not give me a spirit of fear.  Fear does not come from the Lord.  Instead, He wants me to cast all [my] anxiety on Him because He cares for [me] ~ 1 Peter 5:7.  

Pregnancy hormones have made me completely CRAZY!  David has been out of the country for work and normally, I’d be a nervous wreck…without being pregnant.  Add hormones and you’d think I would lose my mind.  To top it all off, we may be homeless pretty soon and have NO IDEA where we’d like to move. Thanks to a lot of prayer and a transformed mind, I’m actually handling everything quite well.  1 Corinthians 10:13 reminds me that God is in control and will not give me more than He knows I can handle.  Being afraid and anxious does not come from above.  They are Satan’s way of getting control over me and trying to get me to doubt my faith.   The only thing that will happen if I surrender to the anxiety is I will become overwhelmed and cry…which won’t change anything…and we all know how I feel about crying =)

God has really done a work in me during these last few weeks.  No, I’ve not been moved from a dark, depressed place into the Hands of God…I’ve been there, done that.  Instead, God has matured me.  I look at things differently now and am trying my hardest to live a life that is pleasing to Him.

My prayer for you is that you will not have a spirit of fear and know that He wants you to trust Him with your anxieties, having faith that He will bring you through.