I've been lazy and unmotivated to update the blog. I've wanted my next post to be meaningful and valuable so after some prayer and a recent discussion, I've recognized God's push in this direction. I've jotted notes that I thought would be important, but I'm interested, myself, in seeing how this post goes after I've been removed from the most significant emotional event of my life, for three years now.
I've become a big emotional advocate for pro-life. Abortion is so real to me now. I can't decide if it's because abortion takes a life and there are so many people who long for children, or if it's because abortion TAKES A LIFE. I read a blog recently that spoke about how abortion has changed the way we look at miscarriage. Pro-choice advocates emphasize that "it's just tissue." Okay, well if it's just tissue, why did it have a heartbeat? Why did I grieve for that baby? Why did it hurt so much? Abortion flat out makes me mad nowadays. Yeah, it's your body and you should have the right to choose, but your choice came WAY before a life was created. The new life is a RESULT of your CHOICE.
Reflecting back on June three years ago, I remember how I felt. First of all, David and I were in LA when I first knew something was wrong. In fact, I remember specifically what I was doing. It was June 17th, a Friday. We were waiting in line for The Tonight Show. I couldn't care less if we ever went back there. There's a piece of me that will always feel like that place will be tainted.
I remember feeling like I let people down. Now, I realize this is dumb, but three years ago I felt like I took away other people's joy and excitement over a new baby. That played a HUGE role in why we waited so long before we told family when I finally got pregnant again. I think I was almost 10 weeks along.
I also remember feeling like life must go on. I felt like I was not the only person ever to experience this and they showed no physical or emotional signs of not being able to continue with life. So, less than a week after my D&C, I was back at work "moving on". In reality, I hadn't moved on. I'd "tabled" my emotions. Moving on didn't take place for many more months.
I remember being mad at unmarried people who found out they were expecting. I'd done things in the right order. Why was my baby taken away? I remember being so sad that I finally asked David if he thought I was depressed. Of course, he said no, but he was lying through his teeth. The one time I feel like David really opened up about his feelings, he confided that he didn't know how unbelievers would be able to get through such a traumatic event without God. For us, it just wasn't possible to do it on our own.
It also infuriated me when people wouldn't share their baby news with us because they "knew we were having a hard time". The way I feel is not for you to decide. Maybe it would have hurt me, but anything was going to hurt me those first seven months. I'm not one to like other people to "protect" my feelings.
Finally, after the longest seven months of my life, my due date arrived. January 11, 2012. That day will always be in my heart. If you aren't familiar with my story, go back and read my first few posts. I began to heal when I allowed myself to grieve...seven months after we lost our baby.
I'd say we struggled getting pregnant, but I don't want to make light of that true struggle. Yes, it took a year, and no, it didn't happen on my time table, but "struggle" isn't a good term for our experience when so many of you have spent years trying to have a baby. We were fortunate. Exactly one year after we lost the baby, I took a pregnancy test on a whim. God knows dates are important to me and He transformed June 17th into a happy day for me. I was nervous, anxious throughout my entire pregnancy. I'd make myself sick before every appointment just expecting the worst to happen. Fortunately, God put a small group of amazing women (some who had experienced the same thing) in my life for the majority of my pregnancy. My baby was prayed for by so many.
God knows that I need answers. I'm a "why did this happen" type of chick. I will never know His ultimate reasoning behind our struggles, be He did allow me to understand a few things. One major outcome of my heartbreak was that had I never gone through that experience, I would not appreciate Fishy as much. I am a much better mom because of it because I cherish how precious life really is. There are two songs that had a huge impact on me during those seven months: Newsong's "Rescue" (also the inspiration of the name of this blog) and Casting Crowns' "Praise You in this Storm." I knew all the Bible verses and the things I was supposed to do, but these songs let me just sit and wallow in The Lord with their heartfelt, honest lyrics.
I pray that you never go through a miscarriage or fertility issues. However, if you do, I hope this blog has been helpful. I couldn't have gotten through mine without writing about it, but I'm very aware that everyone deals with it in a different way. If any of you would like an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, or anything else, feel free to comment and I'll be glad to do what I can for you or direct you to someone who can do a whole lot more for you than I can. I also came across a blog today that I wished I'd have known about a few years ago. http://diaryofamiscarriage.blogspot.com
Dear Lord, use this blog to help someone. You've given me an amazing testimony that I want to use to share your Word and love. Heal each broken heart and give strength to the weary souls. God, be the peace that passes ALL understanding for those who long for it. Comfort those who need it. Reveal yourself to the families hurting. Your timing is PERFECT!
