Three Years Ago

June 17th marks three years since my miscarriage! Three years! It still feels like yesterday. I'll admit, there are days that I don't think about it, but there are quite a few that I do. I'll even talk to Fishy about his older sibling sometimes. 

I've been lazy and unmotivated to update the blog. I've wanted my next post to be meaningful and valuable so after some prayer and a recent discussion, I've recognized God's push in this direction. I've jotted notes that I thought would be important, but I'm interested, myself, in seeing how this post goes after I've been removed from the most significant emotional event of my life, for three years now.  

I've become a big emotional advocate for pro-life. Abortion is so real to me now. I can't decide if it's because abortion takes a life and there are so many people who long for children, or if it's because abortion TAKES A LIFE. I read a blog recently that spoke about how abortion has changed the way we look at miscarriage. Pro-choice advocates emphasize that "it's just tissue." Okay, well if it's just tissue, why did it have a heartbeat? Why did I grieve for that baby? Why did it hurt so much? Abortion flat out makes me mad nowadays. Yeah, it's your body and you should have the right to choose, but your choice came WAY before a life was created. The new life is a RESULT of your CHOICE. 

Reflecting back on June three years ago, I remember how I felt. First of all, David and I were in LA when I first knew something was wrong. In fact, I remember specifically what I was doing. It was June 17th, a Friday. We were waiting in line for The Tonight Show. I couldn't care less if we ever went back there. There's a piece of me that will always feel like that place will be tainted. 

I remember feeling like I let people down. Now, I realize this is dumb, but three years ago I felt like I took away other people's joy and excitement over a new baby. That played a HUGE role in why we waited so long before we told family when I finally got pregnant again. I think I was almost 10 weeks along. 

I also remember feeling like life must go on. I felt like I was not the only person ever to experience this and they showed no physical or emotional signs of not being able to continue with life. So, less than a week after my D&C, I was back at work "moving on". In reality, I hadn't moved on. I'd "tabled" my emotions. Moving on didn't take place for many more months. 

I remember being mad at unmarried people who found out they were expecting. I'd done things in the right order. Why was my baby taken away? I remember being so sad that I finally asked David if he thought I was depressed. Of course, he said no, but he was lying through his teeth. The one time I feel like David really opened up about his feelings, he confided that he didn't know how unbelievers would be able to get through such a traumatic event without God. For us, it just wasn't possible to do it on our own. 

It also infuriated me when people wouldn't share their baby news with us because they "knew we were having a hard time". The way I feel is not for you to decide. Maybe it would have hurt me, but anything was going to hurt me those first seven months. I'm not one to like other people to "protect" my feelings. 

Finally, after the longest seven months of my life, my due date arrived. January 11, 2012. That day will always be in my heart. If you aren't familiar with my story, go back and read my first few posts. I began to heal when I allowed myself to grieve...seven months after we lost our baby. 

I'd say we struggled getting pregnant, but I don't want to make light of that true struggle. Yes, it took a year, and no, it didn't happen on my time table, but "struggle" isn't a good term for our experience when so many of you have spent years trying to have a baby.  We were fortunate. Exactly one year after we lost the baby, I took a pregnancy test on a whim. God knows dates are important to me and He transformed June 17th into a happy day for me. I was nervous, anxious throughout my entire pregnancy. I'd make myself sick before every appointment just expecting the worst to happen. Fortunately, God put a small group of amazing women (some who had experienced the same thing) in my life for the majority of my pregnancy. My baby was prayed for by so many. 

God knows that I need answers. I'm a "why did this happen" type of chick. I will never know His ultimate reasoning behind our struggles, be He did allow me to understand a few things. One major outcome of my heartbreak was that had I never gone through that experience, I would not appreciate Fishy as much. I am a much better mom because of it because I cherish how precious life really is. There are two songs that had a huge impact on me during those seven months: Newsong's "Rescue" (also the inspiration of the name of this blog)  and Casting Crowns' "Praise You in this Storm." I knew all the Bible verses and the things I was supposed to do, but these songs let me just sit and wallow in The Lord with their heartfelt, honest lyrics. 

I pray that you never go through a miscarriage or fertility issues. However, if you do, I hope this blog has been helpful. I couldn't have gotten through mine without writing about it, but I'm very aware that everyone deals with it in a different way. If any of you would like an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, or anything else, feel free to comment and I'll be glad to do what I can for you or direct you to someone who can do a whole lot more for you than I can. I also came across a blog today that I wished I'd have known about a few years ago. http://diaryofamiscarriage.blogspot.com

Dear Lord, use this blog to help someone. You've given me an amazing testimony that I want to use to share your Word and love. Heal each broken heart and give strength to the weary souls. God, be the peace that passes ALL understanding for those who long for it.  Comfort those who need it. Reveal yourself to the families hurting. Your timing is PERFECT!

Marriage

There are a handful of things in my life that I can say I am 100% confident that I followed the Lord’s plan.  Marrying David is one of them.  It takes work, but it’s been one of the easiest things I’ve done in my life, because I know it’s from God.  David and I will be married for 8 years on July 1^st, so I am in no way an expert on marriage.  However, with the recent marriage conferences around V’Day and Sunday’s sermon on marriage, I feel lead to write about a few things.  (It’s so “funny” how I started out with an entirely different topic in mind and God switched gears on me.  I don’t think He will ever stop amazing me.)

 Let me start with a little background on David and me.  We started dating in 2004 (I think).  He was (and still is) the only person I could be brutally honest with and not care if I hurt his feelings.  He’s always been the same with me, too.  We both had different plans for our lives when we realized that God was pushing us toward each other.  I had never been more sure of anything in my life and didn’t think twice when I told David I wanted him to ask me to marry him some day (this was the beginning of week 2 of dating) before we shared the “I love yous” (which came at the end of week 2).  The rest, as they say, is history.  We dated a year, were engaged a year, and have been married almost 8 years. 

What makes us work?  Well, besides knowing that God created us to be together, we went in to our marriage understanding that divorce is not an option.   Divorce is all around us.  Some of you have experienced it yourselves.  I want you to know, I’m not judging.  I’m simply writing what God has put on my heart.  I think that knowing we BOTH understand that divorce is not an option, the fear of it is not in the backs of our heads.  Divorce never crosses my mind.  (Well, actually, that’s not 100% true.  The ONLY time I’ve ever threatened divorce, and I’ve been very convicted about it since, was as a joke.  David was at the Bass Master’s Classic expo a few years ago.  He texted me that he’d just met his fishing idol and I told him that if he met Skeet Reese without me, we were getting divorced.  It was totally a joke and ended up being extremely funny because as he was reading my response, he walked right up to Skeet Reese and showed him my text.  Luckily for me, Skeet didn’t do well in the Classic that year so I was able to meet him later on in the weekend and we were able to share a little inside joke with a famous angler.)  It may be our brutal honesty with each other, or this understanding, but either way, we are able to argue, get all of our opinions and feelings out, and move on without ever being afraid that we will push the other too far and our marriage will be over.  Now, don’t let me fool you.  We’ve had our arguments and blow ups.  We’ve learned lessons and to pick our battles.  We’ve spent a decade growing up together.  Still, we know that we are stuck with each other. J

Ephesians 5 explains the role of husbands and wives.  

²¹ And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

²² For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³ For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. ²⁴ As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

²⁵ For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her ²⁶ to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.^{[b] 27} He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. ²⁸ In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. ²⁹ No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. ³⁰ And we are members of his body.

³¹ As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”^{[c] 32} This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. ³³ So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

 Someone once told me that she wasn’t going to submit to her husband.  Not being married at the time, I didn’t think much about it.  Now, I understand how fatal her stubbornness was.  Submission isn’t an option if you want a successful marriage.  Sunday’s sermon said that the number one problem in marriage is sin.  Ephesians 5 is very clear that God commands wives to submit to their husbands.  Verse 21 stands out to me the most.  We aren’t to submit to our husbands because we are inferior, but we should do it out of reverence to Christ. If we love the Lord, we will willingly submit to our husbands.  Husbands are to be the head of the household.  Truthfully, I don’t want that responsibility so I kinda look at it as me getting the better end of the deal. 

Verses 25-30 give specific commands to husbands.  It says more than just “husbands should love their wives.”  I mean, that’s kinda a given, right?  God commands husbands to love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. AND…wait for it...this is BIG…He gave up His life for her.  THAT’S the kind of love God commands from husbands. 

This is where I get to brag on David.  During this entire house-building process, David has taken on the responsibility of getting everything taken care of.  I’ve not had to do anything except pick things out.  He makes sure everything is getting done on the building end as well as the financial end.  He’s lining everything up and handling the little things along with the big things.  I’ve not had to deal with the bulk of the stress that he’s dealt with.  At first, I complained.  I wanted to be a part of it all and he wasn’t letting me do anything.  Now, I see that he’s showing his love for me by handling everything and protecting me from the stress that he tackles head-on.  He’s showing that he cares for [me], just as Christ cares for the church.  (David’s love language is Acts of Service by the way.) 

 

Finally, it’s important to realize that God didn’t create marriage for us.  He created it for Himself.  He gets glory when we do marriage right.  When we surrender our marriage to Him, He will take care of it, just like with anything else.  Marriage takes work.  Why would I want to do it by myself?  Isn’t it just easier to give it to God so He can handle it?  I mean, He will show us what to do and where to go, but come on…we are destined to fail if we try to do it by ourselves.  Marriage is important enough to me that I want it to work.  From the get-go, David and I decided that divorce isn’t an option.  It’s the easy way out. 

2 Corinthians 5:15 says He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them.  Obviously this verse can be interpreted in different ways, but I think it supports the truth that God gets more glory from our marriages than we do when we live for Him.  Marriage is a lifelong commitment.  Why not do it right the first time?

My prayer for you, if you’re married or planning to marry, is that you will submit to one another out of reverence for Christ ~ Ephesians 5:21

What a difference a few years make!

This time last year, I was a swollen blob, anxiously awaiting the arrival of my little Fish Man.  Two years ago, I was grieving over the loss of my first pregnancy as the due date approached.  This year, I’m in the process of planning a first birthday party!  Man, oh man, how things change!

Two years ago, I thought it was the longest year ever and now, it feels like yesterday that I was preparing for maternity leave.  I’ve always heard parents say that time flies, but you really don’t understand exactly how fast it flies until you experience it yourself.  I love watching Fishy learn and experience new things, but it makes me sad that he’s almost walking and he’s not my little bitty baby anymore. 

God has taught me a lot over the past two years.  I suppose most of my posts (at least my early ones) carry you through the miscarriage and how I was finally able to overcome my grief.  Then, I kind of used the blog to vent about how uncomfortable pregnancy is.  This year, I’ve not been as consistent with my posts because I’ve been kind of busy.  You know, with a new baby and all. ;)  I’ll try to sum up what He’s revealed and is working on in me, during this past year.

Humility & Patience

And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance. ~ Romans 5:3

One thing I’ve learned, and will tell any of you, is do not make major decisions while pregnant.  You just aren’t thinking clearly!  I was so mellow and laid back through my pregnancy that I didn’t care a whole lot about anything.  I threw stuff away, sold my house, made plans to build a new house and rent another one in the process.  Then, I had the baby and got my mind back (well, most of it).  Sell my house? Build a new one? Rent a house? What was I thinking?!  Yes, David and I had talked about selling and even built our first house with the intent to sell in 5 years or so.  We’d be in it 6, he’d bought too many large toys, and we were out of room…or so we thought.  We started looking for places to build and narrowed it down to two.  Then we started looking at house plans.  Man, do we have exceptional taste!  We finally decided on house plans after the 4^th or 5^th set.  One of the pieces of property was quite narrower than the other, so we needed to make sure that the house would fit on it, if we decided to go with it, which made drawing plans rather difficult.  During this time, we secured a place to rent while we built the house.  We intended the building process to take around 5 months and we were going to start in January or February of last year.  That would put us moving in around June/July.  So, we packed everything away and put it in storage.  We’d be in in July so I wouldn’t need anything for fall/winter.  All my fall/Christmas decorations, fall/winter clothes, fall/winter shoes, everything, was in storage.  Well, we finally made a decision and purchased the land…in March!  By the time we got around to finalizing plans, clearing the lot, etc., it was the end of July.  So, that moved our move in to January (and February is looking more realistic) and all my winter stuff is in storage! 

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. ~ Philippians 2:3-8

In the mean time, we moved in to a rental house.  Since we were only going to be there until July (we moved in when we came home with Fishy in February), we decided to take all of the boxes that wouldn’t fit in our storage building and store them at the rental house.  We figured we could work around them for five months.  Well, five months have turned into eleven.  I’ve had to live without my wardrobe and am having to re-wear way more frequently than I’m used to.  The house is rapidly closing in on us as we’re maneuvering around boxes and baby stuff (babies require a lot of stuff and it’s BIG stuff!).  During my “who really cares” mindset of pregnancy, I packed away all of our plates and serving dishes/utensils and figured we could live off of $.25 plastic plates for five months…eleven months later, it’s getting old.  I want my stuff.  I like my stuff.  I like cooking, but my cooking stuff is packed away somewhere.  Fast food is SO old (and expensive)!  God is teaching me patience.  His timing is perfect, so all of this is happening for a reason.  He’s teaching me humility since I’m not exactly used to re-wearing clothes so often and enjoy having space to myself.  David, Fishy, and I are cramped.  We have way too many boxes and stuff to move around.  My shins stay bruised from hitting them on boxes.  The plan was to tolerate the cramped space for a few months and now we’ve more than doubled it and my toleration has decreased.  I’ve also been humbled by the fact that although the things I “like” are stored away and are being missed, there’s a LOT of stuff stored.  I’m so grateful for the stuff that we have.  We have filled a storage unit and basically an entire house with “stuff,” yet I complain about not having anything.  We are living just fine with the things we have unpacked and those are things that many people don’t have.  God has definitely humbled me and I’m positive that had we not doubled our time living the way we are, I wouldn’t have experienced humility to this level.  In fact, I’m sure I would have just gone on with life the way I always have and never even thought twice about the things I have versus the things I need.

Trusting in Him & Patience

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.  ^~  Proverbs 3:5

We’ve hit a lot of “bumps” in the road throughout this building process.  I won’t go into all of them, because it would become an extremely long post.  Instead, I’ll simply describe them as “bumps.”  Some have been a lot larger than others, but they’ve all required David and me to fully put our trust in the Lord.  From the beginning, although I say I was not thinking clearly, each step and decision has been wrapped in prayer.  From the decision to sell, to which property to purchase, we’ve given it all to God.  Every time we hit a bump though, I can feel that we’ve let our plans and desires get ahead of what He wants for us.  I admit, when planning each piece of a house, it’s more than easy to get ahead of yourself and plan the things you want.  I think, since we gave it to God in the very beginning, He doesn’t waste time when He sees that we are getting selfish and throws something at us to get our attention.  All in all, everything is working out, but it’s just taken a whole lot longer than originally planned.  I have to constantly remind myself that His timing is perfect.  Although I like my timing a whole lot better (since my timing put us in the new house 5 months ago), David and I have to trust in the Lord.

Finally, I’ve learned to prioritize.  I’ve always been pretty good at this, but becoming a mother has challenged this skill.  I’ve learned that the house doesn’t always have to be clean, laundry done (and put away…this is always VERY low on the list), dinner cooked, shower taken, etc.  Fishy is only little once and it’s already passed by way too quickly.  I want to get in the floor and play with him and not worry about anything else.  I want to love on him and make him giggle.  I want to sit on the couch and watch TV with David.  Although nothing is actually getting done during any of these things, I’ve learned that it doesn’t really matter.  My priorities have become my family and having family time.  There’s just nothing better…

Date Night

I have been blessed to be a part of a small group this semester called Growing Kids God’s Way by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo.  I didn’t really have any expectations of the book going in to it. I was just excited that I had another resource to guide me in raising a kid in this fallen world.  I’ve really enjoyed what little bit I’ve read of the book.  The funny thing is that in order to be somewhat successful in raising kids, you aren’t even really supposed to focus on them!  So far (and we’re still pretty early in the book), the goals are to focus on your relationship with the Lord and then spend some time focusing on your relationship with your spouse.  Now, the first one is a given.  Duh!  In order for anything to be successful, you’ve got to work on your relationship with God.  The second one, although I’ve heard the whole triangle analogy (You and your spouse are the bottom corners of a triangle and God is at the top.  As you grow in the Lord, you grow toward one another.), is where I’ve kind of struggled.  (Thank the good Lord that I started this study while Fishy is still pretty new!) I don’t want you to think that David and I have been going through problems.  It’s just that all of a sudden, it wasn’t just David and me anymore.  We went from everything being about us to forgetting about us so that we could focus on keeping a kid alive. There have been several days that I think, “When was the last time we hugged?”  Our “together” time has just been being in the same room with each other. Now that we’ve gotten used to having Fishy around, it’s time to focus on our relationship. 

One thing I am proud of is that on most days, David and I carpool.  This isn’t because we want to, and really, we’ll probably be glad when we don’t do it anymore.  However, for the last couple of months, we’ve been riding to work together.  (Since we’ve moved into a rental house, I’m now much farther away from my work than I was.  I also drive right past David’s work, so it just makes sense to drop him off.  Plus, if I take him and pick him up, he gets home at the same time I do!) Neither of us is much of a morning person, so most days, the car ride is pretty quiet except for a few comments we make about whatever is happening on Rick and Bubba.  On the rare occasion I might can pull out a conversation with David and we can enjoy “family time” while we’re all in the same location.

The Ezzos talk about making time for each other in front of your kids.  It doesn’t matter if you have your couple time after the kid goes to sleep.  It’s important to show your kids that you love each other.  One of the major points in the book so far is emphasizing that one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to love each other.  One of the examples from the book was a family that was having trouble with the behavior of their child.  Once they realized that although they do spend one-on-one time with each other, it was important for them to spend that time in front of their child so they he/she would develop a security in his/her parents’ love for each other, the child’s behavior changed.  That totally amazed me!  I never even considered the emotional impact my relationship with David could have on my kid.  I just thought that loving each other in front of Fishy would set an example of how to treat a woman and how he should be treated.  I never even considered that it was important to his overall development!  Another aspect of this point is to show your kids that you go on dates.  Not to gross them out or to tell them that you want to get away from them, but because you love them.  

I know that I am at fault for not wanting to leave Fishy with a baby sitter so that David and I can put this into practice.  At first, it was just because I didn’t want to leave him.  Then, it just became too much trouble.  I mean, babies come with a lot of stuff!  By the time I get everything packed and transported, I’m tired and don’t want to do anything.  Now, I’m to the point that as soon as he’s fully weaned, he’s going to have-a-spend the night party…with someone else!  That’s going to be a hard night for me, but I know that David’s and my relationship needs to be a priority. 

Another big idea from the book so far even further blows my mind.  For my entire life, I’ve heard people say that kids complete their little family.  According to the book, that’s not true (or at least shouldn’t be true).  It goes back to Adam and Eve.  Genesis 2:18 says “It is not good for man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable.”  God created Eve from Adam and for Adam.  Eve completed Adam.  Then they had kids… The book reminds us (or in my case, reveals to me for the first time), that children do not complete a family.  Children expand a family. 

This idea is really hard for me to wrap my mind around.  Fishy has been my little world for the past 8 months.  I need to understand that he is just an expansion of my family.  David and I went right along with life before Fishy was ever thought of.  Now, we need to do the same…just with a little bit of focus on raising him. 

So, now that David and I have committed to trying to focus more on our relationship, we’ve run in to the problem that we just don’t have time!  Every time we’ve talked about planning something, something comes up for that day.  So, our goal is to have a date…a real date (not just a drive thru and errand running) in the next few weeks.  After that, I’d like to try for once a month. 

So, my prayer this week is for us parents to focus on our relationships with our spouses because we love our children that much.  Plan a date night.  It’s important!

This IS my happy face!

One of David’s and my favorite lines from a movie is “This is my happy face!” from Tommy Lee Jones in Man of the House.  If you’ve never seen the movie, I highly recommend it when you’re in the mood for something funny.  Tommy Lee Jones’ character is always grumpy and he ends up having to be in charge of cheerleaders.  Someone tells him to put on a happy face and his response (in a very exaggerated southern accent) is, “This is my happy face!” 

I feel like, as a Christian, I always have to have on a “happy face.”  That’s just so hard to do!  My mind is filled with clever come-backs and lists of other people’s shortcomings.  (Just in case I need to point them out one day.) Man, how un-Christian that is! Would Jesus keep a list like mine? NOPE! If I’m supposed to be living as He did ~1 John 2:6, why do I get offended by things people say? A comment was made the other day that I could have very easily snapped back with one of those clever remarks, but I bit my tongue.  I kept thinking of 1 Corinthians 10:31 ~ So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. I knew that my clever remarks would not glorify the Lord.  I also didn’t want to stand there and get “bullied.”  I felt like I needed to stick up for myself.  My first thought was to point out their flaws and “hold them accountable” (meaning, I wanted to say something ugly to show them that, yeah, I’ve got a list for you too).  Then, I remembered a Proverbs 31 Woman devotion I read this summer.  It was about choosing to NOT be offended.  God was doing everything He could to get my attention and tell me to be the bigger person.  I bit my tongue. 

I feel like Christians are always expected to have on their “happy face.”  God never promised Christianity would be easy, though. I’ve heard countless sermons on Mark 12:30-31 ~ Love our God , the Lord with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. And to Love your neighbor as yourself.  Easy peasey, right? Honestly, Mark 31 is hard enough alone.  “Love your neighbor[…]as yourself.” For those of you who know me, you know I’m not much of a people person.  I rarely trust people and I always expect people to let me down.  When someone annoys or offends me, I can easily remove them from my life and not really give it a second thought.  I find it difficult to “put on my happy face” around people who annoy the dog fool out of me.  I’d much rather tell them what I really think of them, or at least give them a look that gets the point across, than to show Godly love to them. 

I choose NOT to be offended.  Well, at least I’m working on it.  It’s so much easier to find offense in something someone says or does and to just remove them from my everyday life.  God tells me to be different, though.  He wants me to show His love in every breath, every action, every thought, and every word.  After all, I’m merely a vessel to be used for His glory.  He chose me to be a vessel.  He loved me enough to give me this task.  That’s enough to give me a sincere “happy face.”

My prayer for you (and for me) is that the God’s love will be enough to give you a “happy face.”

He’s Got This!

I know, I know.  I missed July’s entry.  In my defense though, I blinked and July was gone! I can’t believe it’s time to start back to school, BUT I’m ready!

I am a teacher.  That’s one of a small handful of things in my life that I know, without question, I’m doing that is within God’s ultimate plan.  Will I be a teacher for the rest of my life or at least my career? Who knows, but teaching is ingrained in me.  I’ve not been in the classroom since February 18^th.  For the first few months, my mind was completely distracted with new baby stuff.  Then, I noticed that it slowly started turning back on to teaching.  My two favorite subjects to teach are math and grammar.  I’m pretty sure that I like these subjects most for two reasons: 1-They’re pretty straight forward.  There is always a “right” answer. 2-EVERYBODY uses math and grammar daily…so they’re extra important.  I have found a way to “teach” these two subjects without even stepping foot in a classroom.  I’ve gotten teased a lot for my FB grammar lessons.  You are welcome to tease all you like, as long as you get something from it! “To” and “too” are NOT interchangeable! In fact, it was a math lesson (or lack thereof) that reassured me all over again, that I am meant to be a teacher.

I was at Hobby Lobby getting fabric to make some super cute pocket tees.  I didn’t need much, so as I put the bolt on the counter, I simply said, “I need a quarter.”  Vague, yes, but I assumed “a quarter” implied a quarter of a yard since this was not the first time I’d made this request.  It must have been a change in shifts because there were two girls at the counter talking.  The one who was staying asked if I meant a quarter of a yard.  At my confirmation, she then asked her co-worker how much a quarter was (as in ¼).  This question disturbed me, but then it only got worse.  The co-worker turned around as she was walking off and said, “Yes.  I like to think about it like a dollar,” (this is how I teach my 4^th graders!) “There are four quarters in one dollar.”  She started to walk away again when the other girl said, “Hey! You kept my cheat sheet!”  Not being familiar with the way Hobby Lobby does things (which all frequent HL shoppers can agree that they are a little behind the times in terms of technology), I ignored the comment and continued to think about the girl (not to mention one who works in the fabric department) didn’t know that a quarter means ¼.  It was then that her understanding of math broke my teacher heart. As the co-worker handed her the cheat sheet, she said, “It’s .25.”  The cheat sheet obviously was a quick fractions-to-decimals conversion chart.  No big deal.  My heart ached at the fact that ¼ is a SIMPLE fraction and even after the co-worker referred to the measurement in terms of $1.00, the girl still didn’t make the connection to .25 or $0.25.  Maybe my reaction to the whole fraction thing is a little much, especially to non-teachers, but the girl wasn’t even making the connection.  This event reassured me that my place on this earth is in the classroom.  After all the anxiety and dread I’d had about going back to work and leaving my little Fishy, I was certain that I need to do my part in advancing the knowledge and understanding of my fourth graders.

I just wasn’t ready to go back to work in May.  I’m so very grateful for the opportunity I had, to spend nearly every waking moment of the first 5 ½ months of my baby’s life with him.  That is time that I will never get back and will always cherish.  I’m ready now.  I feel like that if I’d chosen to be a stay at home mom, I’d be wasting what God created me for.  (SAHM, Please do not think I am criticizing you.  BELIEVE me, after 5 ½ months as a SAHM, I understand that it’s just as much of a calling as being a teacher!  I don’t know how you do it.) I just know that God put me on this earth to teach, and if I didn’t do that, then I wouldn’t be following His plan for my life.

I still don’t know why I am always amazed when I realize that God knows what He’s doing!  I’ve stated before that I’m not fond of change.  I like itineraries, check-lists, and expectations.  When something happens, I’m not a “just go with it” kind of girl. I like to know how things are going to end, before they even start so naturally, the mere anticipation of going back to work made me anxious.  Like I said, God knows what He’s doing.  He’s the One who created me, so He knows how I work.  For my entire life, I’ve had to be prepared for change.  When David and I got married, I needed the year to prepare for the move that was an hour away from my comfort.  It just takes me a while to feel okay about change.  Anticipating leaving Little Man made me sick.  So, God, being the Great and Almighty One that He is, began putting ignorant people in my path (or at least opening my eyes to their ignorance) to tug at the strings of my teacher heart so that I would be ready to dive into the new year.

As I write this, I am reminded of Proverbs 3:5-6 ~ Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Seek Him in all you do and He will show you the path to take. I would typically reference this verse when I need or someone needs to make a big decision, but it kind of seems fitting for my current situation as well.  When I put my complete trust in God, He will handle it.  I’m trusting Him with my career choice and leaving my little fella, and He’s taking care of things. 

I pray that you will put your trust in Him in all that you do.  He’s got this!