Three Years Ago

June 17th marks three years since my miscarriage! Three years! It still feels like yesterday. I'll admit, there are days that I don't think about it, but there are quite a few that I do. I'll even talk to Fishy about his older sibling sometimes. 

I've been lazy and unmotivated to update the blog. I've wanted my next post to be meaningful and valuable so after some prayer and a recent discussion, I've recognized God's push in this direction. I've jotted notes that I thought would be important, but I'm interested, myself, in seeing how this post goes after I've been removed from the most significant emotional event of my life, for three years now.  

I've become a big emotional advocate for pro-life. Abortion is so real to me now. I can't decide if it's because abortion takes a life and there are so many people who long for children, or if it's because abortion TAKES A LIFE. I read a blog recently that spoke about how abortion has changed the way we look at miscarriage. Pro-choice advocates emphasize that "it's just tissue." Okay, well if it's just tissue, why did it have a heartbeat? Why did I grieve for that baby? Why did it hurt so much? Abortion flat out makes me mad nowadays. Yeah, it's your body and you should have the right to choose, but your choice came WAY before a life was created. The new life is a RESULT of your CHOICE. 

Reflecting back on June three years ago, I remember how I felt. First of all, David and I were in LA when I first knew something was wrong. In fact, I remember specifically what I was doing. It was June 17th, a Friday. We were waiting in line for The Tonight Show. I couldn't care less if we ever went back there. There's a piece of me that will always feel like that place will be tainted. 

I remember feeling like I let people down. Now, I realize this is dumb, but three years ago I felt like I took away other people's joy and excitement over a new baby. That played a HUGE role in why we waited so long before we told family when I finally got pregnant again. I think I was almost 10 weeks along. 

I also remember feeling like life must go on. I felt like I was not the only person ever to experience this and they showed no physical or emotional signs of not being able to continue with life. So, less than a week after my D&C, I was back at work "moving on". In reality, I hadn't moved on. I'd "tabled" my emotions. Moving on didn't take place for many more months. 

I remember being mad at unmarried people who found out they were expecting. I'd done things in the right order. Why was my baby taken away? I remember being so sad that I finally asked David if he thought I was depressed. Of course, he said no, but he was lying through his teeth. The one time I feel like David really opened up about his feelings, he confided that he didn't know how unbelievers would be able to get through such a traumatic event without God. For us, it just wasn't possible to do it on our own. 

It also infuriated me when people wouldn't share their baby news with us because they "knew we were having a hard time". The way I feel is not for you to decide. Maybe it would have hurt me, but anything was going to hurt me those first seven months. I'm not one to like other people to "protect" my feelings. 

Finally, after the longest seven months of my life, my due date arrived. January 11, 2012. That day will always be in my heart. If you aren't familiar with my story, go back and read my first few posts. I began to heal when I allowed myself to grieve...seven months after we lost our baby. 

I'd say we struggled getting pregnant, but I don't want to make light of that true struggle. Yes, it took a year, and no, it didn't happen on my time table, but "struggle" isn't a good term for our experience when so many of you have spent years trying to have a baby.  We were fortunate. Exactly one year after we lost the baby, I took a pregnancy test on a whim. God knows dates are important to me and He transformed June 17th into a happy day for me. I was nervous, anxious throughout my entire pregnancy. I'd make myself sick before every appointment just expecting the worst to happen. Fortunately, God put a small group of amazing women (some who had experienced the same thing) in my life for the majority of my pregnancy. My baby was prayed for by so many. 

God knows that I need answers. I'm a "why did this happen" type of chick. I will never know His ultimate reasoning behind our struggles, be He did allow me to understand a few things. One major outcome of my heartbreak was that had I never gone through that experience, I would not appreciate Fishy as much. I am a much better mom because of it because I cherish how precious life really is. There are two songs that had a huge impact on me during those seven months: Newsong's "Rescue" (also the inspiration of the name of this blog)  and Casting Crowns' "Praise You in this Storm." I knew all the Bible verses and the things I was supposed to do, but these songs let me just sit and wallow in The Lord with their heartfelt, honest lyrics. 

I pray that you never go through a miscarriage or fertility issues. However, if you do, I hope this blog has been helpful. I couldn't have gotten through mine without writing about it, but I'm very aware that everyone deals with it in a different way. If any of you would like an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, or anything else, feel free to comment and I'll be glad to do what I can for you or direct you to someone who can do a whole lot more for you than I can. I also came across a blog today that I wished I'd have known about a few years ago. http://diaryofamiscarriage.blogspot.com

Dear Lord, use this blog to help someone. You've given me an amazing testimony that I want to use to share your Word and love. Heal each broken heart and give strength to the weary souls. God, be the peace that passes ALL understanding for those who long for it.  Comfort those who need it. Reveal yourself to the families hurting. Your timing is PERFECT!

Marriage

There are a handful of things in my life that I can say I am 100% confident that I followed the Lord’s plan.  Marrying David is one of them.  It takes work, but it’s been one of the easiest things I’ve done in my life, because I know it’s from God.  David and I will be married for 8 years on July 1^st, so I am in no way an expert on marriage.  However, with the recent marriage conferences around V’Day and Sunday’s sermon on marriage, I feel lead to write about a few things.  (It’s so “funny” how I started out with an entirely different topic in mind and God switched gears on me.  I don’t think He will ever stop amazing me.)

 Let me start with a little background on David and me.  We started dating in 2004 (I think).  He was (and still is) the only person I could be brutally honest with and not care if I hurt his feelings.  He’s always been the same with me, too.  We both had different plans for our lives when we realized that God was pushing us toward each other.  I had never been more sure of anything in my life and didn’t think twice when I told David I wanted him to ask me to marry him some day (this was the beginning of week 2 of dating) before we shared the “I love yous” (which came at the end of week 2).  The rest, as they say, is history.  We dated a year, were engaged a year, and have been married almost 8 years. 

What makes us work?  Well, besides knowing that God created us to be together, we went in to our marriage understanding that divorce is not an option.   Divorce is all around us.  Some of you have experienced it yourselves.  I want you to know, I’m not judging.  I’m simply writing what God has put on my heart.  I think that knowing we BOTH understand that divorce is not an option, the fear of it is not in the backs of our heads.  Divorce never crosses my mind.  (Well, actually, that’s not 100% true.  The ONLY time I’ve ever threatened divorce, and I’ve been very convicted about it since, was as a joke.  David was at the Bass Master’s Classic expo a few years ago.  He texted me that he’d just met his fishing idol and I told him that if he met Skeet Reese without me, we were getting divorced.  It was totally a joke and ended up being extremely funny because as he was reading my response, he walked right up to Skeet Reese and showed him my text.  Luckily for me, Skeet didn’t do well in the Classic that year so I was able to meet him later on in the weekend and we were able to share a little inside joke with a famous angler.)  It may be our brutal honesty with each other, or this understanding, but either way, we are able to argue, get all of our opinions and feelings out, and move on without ever being afraid that we will push the other too far and our marriage will be over.  Now, don’t let me fool you.  We’ve had our arguments and blow ups.  We’ve learned lessons and to pick our battles.  We’ve spent a decade growing up together.  Still, we know that we are stuck with each other. J

Ephesians 5 explains the role of husbands and wives.  

²¹ And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

²² For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³ For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. ²⁴ As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

²⁵ For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her ²⁶ to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.^{[b] 27} He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. ²⁸ In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. ²⁹ No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. ³⁰ And we are members of his body.

³¹ As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”^{[c] 32} This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. ³³ So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

 Someone once told me that she wasn’t going to submit to her husband.  Not being married at the time, I didn’t think much about it.  Now, I understand how fatal her stubbornness was.  Submission isn’t an option if you want a successful marriage.  Sunday’s sermon said that the number one problem in marriage is sin.  Ephesians 5 is very clear that God commands wives to submit to their husbands.  Verse 21 stands out to me the most.  We aren’t to submit to our husbands because we are inferior, but we should do it out of reverence to Christ. If we love the Lord, we will willingly submit to our husbands.  Husbands are to be the head of the household.  Truthfully, I don’t want that responsibility so I kinda look at it as me getting the better end of the deal. 

Verses 25-30 give specific commands to husbands.  It says more than just “husbands should love their wives.”  I mean, that’s kinda a given, right?  God commands husbands to love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. AND…wait for it...this is BIG…He gave up His life for her.  THAT’S the kind of love God commands from husbands. 

This is where I get to brag on David.  During this entire house-building process, David has taken on the responsibility of getting everything taken care of.  I’ve not had to do anything except pick things out.  He makes sure everything is getting done on the building end as well as the financial end.  He’s lining everything up and handling the little things along with the big things.  I’ve not had to deal with the bulk of the stress that he’s dealt with.  At first, I complained.  I wanted to be a part of it all and he wasn’t letting me do anything.  Now, I see that he’s showing his love for me by handling everything and protecting me from the stress that he tackles head-on.  He’s showing that he cares for [me], just as Christ cares for the church.  (David’s love language is Acts of Service by the way.) 

 

Finally, it’s important to realize that God didn’t create marriage for us.  He created it for Himself.  He gets glory when we do marriage right.  When we surrender our marriage to Him, He will take care of it, just like with anything else.  Marriage takes work.  Why would I want to do it by myself?  Isn’t it just easier to give it to God so He can handle it?  I mean, He will show us what to do and where to go, but come on…we are destined to fail if we try to do it by ourselves.  Marriage is important enough to me that I want it to work.  From the get-go, David and I decided that divorce isn’t an option.  It’s the easy way out. 

2 Corinthians 5:15 says He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them.  Obviously this verse can be interpreted in different ways, but I think it supports the truth that God gets more glory from our marriages than we do when we live for Him.  Marriage is a lifelong commitment.  Why not do it right the first time?

My prayer for you, if you’re married or planning to marry, is that you will submit to one another out of reverence for Christ ~ Ephesians 5:21

What a difference a few years make!

This time last year, I was a swollen blob, anxiously awaiting the arrival of my little Fish Man.  Two years ago, I was grieving over the loss of my first pregnancy as the due date approached.  This year, I’m in the process of planning a first birthday party!  Man, oh man, how things change!

Two years ago, I thought it was the longest year ever and now, it feels like yesterday that I was preparing for maternity leave.  I’ve always heard parents say that time flies, but you really don’t understand exactly how fast it flies until you experience it yourself.  I love watching Fishy learn and experience new things, but it makes me sad that he’s almost walking and he’s not my little bitty baby anymore. 

God has taught me a lot over the past two years.  I suppose most of my posts (at least my early ones) carry you through the miscarriage and how I was finally able to overcome my grief.  Then, I kind of used the blog to vent about how uncomfortable pregnancy is.  This year, I’ve not been as consistent with my posts because I’ve been kind of busy.  You know, with a new baby and all. ;)  I’ll try to sum up what He’s revealed and is working on in me, during this past year.

Humility & Patience

And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance. ~ Romans 5:3

One thing I’ve learned, and will tell any of you, is do not make major decisions while pregnant.  You just aren’t thinking clearly!  I was so mellow and laid back through my pregnancy that I didn’t care a whole lot about anything.  I threw stuff away, sold my house, made plans to build a new house and rent another one in the process.  Then, I had the baby and got my mind back (well, most of it).  Sell my house? Build a new one? Rent a house? What was I thinking?!  Yes, David and I had talked about selling and even built our first house with the intent to sell in 5 years or so.  We’d be in it 6, he’d bought too many large toys, and we were out of room…or so we thought.  We started looking for places to build and narrowed it down to two.  Then we started looking at house plans.  Man, do we have exceptional taste!  We finally decided on house plans after the 4^th or 5^th set.  One of the pieces of property was quite narrower than the other, so we needed to make sure that the house would fit on it, if we decided to go with it, which made drawing plans rather difficult.  During this time, we secured a place to rent while we built the house.  We intended the building process to take around 5 months and we were going to start in January or February of last year.  That would put us moving in around June/July.  So, we packed everything away and put it in storage.  We’d be in in July so I wouldn’t need anything for fall/winter.  All my fall/Christmas decorations, fall/winter clothes, fall/winter shoes, everything, was in storage.  Well, we finally made a decision and purchased the land…in March!  By the time we got around to finalizing plans, clearing the lot, etc., it was the end of July.  So, that moved our move in to January (and February is looking more realistic) and all my winter stuff is in storage! 

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. ~ Philippians 2:3-8

In the mean time, we moved in to a rental house.  Since we were only going to be there until July (we moved in when we came home with Fishy in February), we decided to take all of the boxes that wouldn’t fit in our storage building and store them at the rental house.  We figured we could work around them for five months.  Well, five months have turned into eleven.  I’ve had to live without my wardrobe and am having to re-wear way more frequently than I’m used to.  The house is rapidly closing in on us as we’re maneuvering around boxes and baby stuff (babies require a lot of stuff and it’s BIG stuff!).  During my “who really cares” mindset of pregnancy, I packed away all of our plates and serving dishes/utensils and figured we could live off of $.25 plastic plates for five months…eleven months later, it’s getting old.  I want my stuff.  I like my stuff.  I like cooking, but my cooking stuff is packed away somewhere.  Fast food is SO old (and expensive)!  God is teaching me patience.  His timing is perfect, so all of this is happening for a reason.  He’s teaching me humility since I’m not exactly used to re-wearing clothes so often and enjoy having space to myself.  David, Fishy, and I are cramped.  We have way too many boxes and stuff to move around.  My shins stay bruised from hitting them on boxes.  The plan was to tolerate the cramped space for a few months and now we’ve more than doubled it and my toleration has decreased.  I’ve also been humbled by the fact that although the things I “like” are stored away and are being missed, there’s a LOT of stuff stored.  I’m so grateful for the stuff that we have.  We have filled a storage unit and basically an entire house with “stuff,” yet I complain about not having anything.  We are living just fine with the things we have unpacked and those are things that many people don’t have.  God has definitely humbled me and I’m positive that had we not doubled our time living the way we are, I wouldn’t have experienced humility to this level.  In fact, I’m sure I would have just gone on with life the way I always have and never even thought twice about the things I have versus the things I need.

Trusting in Him & Patience

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.  ^~  Proverbs 3:5

We’ve hit a lot of “bumps” in the road throughout this building process.  I won’t go into all of them, because it would become an extremely long post.  Instead, I’ll simply describe them as “bumps.”  Some have been a lot larger than others, but they’ve all required David and me to fully put our trust in the Lord.  From the beginning, although I say I was not thinking clearly, each step and decision has been wrapped in prayer.  From the decision to sell, to which property to purchase, we’ve given it all to God.  Every time we hit a bump though, I can feel that we’ve let our plans and desires get ahead of what He wants for us.  I admit, when planning each piece of a house, it’s more than easy to get ahead of yourself and plan the things you want.  I think, since we gave it to God in the very beginning, He doesn’t waste time when He sees that we are getting selfish and throws something at us to get our attention.  All in all, everything is working out, but it’s just taken a whole lot longer than originally planned.  I have to constantly remind myself that His timing is perfect.  Although I like my timing a whole lot better (since my timing put us in the new house 5 months ago), David and I have to trust in the Lord.

Finally, I’ve learned to prioritize.  I’ve always been pretty good at this, but becoming a mother has challenged this skill.  I’ve learned that the house doesn’t always have to be clean, laundry done (and put away…this is always VERY low on the list), dinner cooked, shower taken, etc.  Fishy is only little once and it’s already passed by way too quickly.  I want to get in the floor and play with him and not worry about anything else.  I want to love on him and make him giggle.  I want to sit on the couch and watch TV with David.  Although nothing is actually getting done during any of these things, I’ve learned that it doesn’t really matter.  My priorities have become my family and having family time.  There’s just nothing better…