...No Matter What

Two topics have been weighing on my heart and mind lately.  They, of course, came from Crazy Love, but they’re worth the time to think about.

The first is about “the golden rule.”  Matthew 7:12 says: So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.  The first time I heard this was in my third and fourth grade Sunday School class.  We were to recite “the golden rule” before we left class.  Since I only went to Sunday School sporadically, I didn’t have a clue what “the golden rule” was!  I sank back toward the middle of the line hoping I would overhear someone and would be able to copy what they said.  I don’t remember if I said it correctly or not, but I do remember somehow actually seeing the look of embarrassment on my own face when it was my turn.  I also learned that if I were to ever teach a Sunday School class, I would first review what I wanted the kids to know, before just telling them to do it.  (I’m sure the teacher went over this every Sunday, but since I wasn’t there every Sunday, I was lost! - Also, I have had the opportunity to teach Sunday School and learned very quickly it was not for me.  If you’ve ever been exposed to my teaching methods you’ve seen that I am a stickler for rules and discipline.  Sunday School behavior would never fly in my classroom.)

Francis Chan puts a different spin on “the golden rule.”  Rather than treat everyone as you want to be treated, he asks the question of how life would change if we thought of everyone we came into contact with as Christ?  FC uses the example of the person driving painfully slow in front of you on the interstate when you need to be somewhere.  Since I’ve become a teacher and have seen what actually happens in people’s lives, I do try to consider what frustrating people may be going through that I may not know.  I’ve never looked at them as Christ though.  For the last few weeks, I’ve tried this.  This has, for the most part, simply served as a reminder to me that my attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus ~ Philippians2:5  and it’s kept me from getting as irritated at people as normal.  I’ve “practiced” this most on David.  One thing I’ve made it a point to do is to try to make sure there is a towel already hanging on the hook outside the shower.  This isn’t much of an effort, and not the only thing I do, but it’s something I make a point to do since I am NOT a morning person and do NOT want to go out of my way to do something for someone else while I’m tired.  When I grab my towel, I go ahead and get one for him too, because if Jesus were staying at my house, I’d surely go out of my way for Him!  Sometimes thinking of everyone as Christ has not been easy because I’d like to think that Christ wouldn’t be as frustrating as some people!  Then I think that I don’t know what they’re going through or what’s in their heart and the least I could do is have a Christ-like attitude toward them.  In reality though, this challenge has changed my thinking and attitude as a whole…not just toward frustrating people.  I’m not as nit-picky about things like usual and I’d like to think my overall attitude has become more positive…because God is enough.  Thinking about others as Christ has definitely helped lower my stress level!  If nothing else, it gets me thinking about Christ in a wearisome moment and then I cast all [my] anxiety on Him because He cares for [me] ~ 1 Peter 5:7. 

The next topic is a little heavier than a simple attitude change toward others.  It goes back to wanting and praying for God’s Will to be done despite what I want or my level of comfort.  His Will always wins, remember…Praise God for that!

FC wrote a section about risk takers for the Lord.  Besides roller coasters and scary movies, I’m not much of a risk taker.  I’m extremely uncomfortable with change and I love a good itinerary.  I like to know the most likely outcome before jumping into anything; therefore, I’m not much of a risk taker.  However spiritually, I’m working on this (and I guess it kind of rolls over into everything else).  In previous posts I’ve written about surrendering my whole life to the Lord.  Not just the pieces I’m comfortable giving to Him, but my WHOLE life.  Once I “let go and let God,” so much has changed!  That’s why I’m struggling with the next challenge from FC.  I’m a worrier and it takes a lot for me to follow 1 Peter 5:7.  It takes a constant reminder that God is in control and will take care of everything…according to His Will.  In his risk takers section, FC writes about how we tend to pray for safety during a trip.  David travels a lot…I worry.  He loves to fly…I’m TERRIFIED of flying. God is in control.  FC asks, “Would you be willing to pray this prayer? God, bring me closer to You during this trip, whatever it takes…”  I always pray for David to have a safe return.  Honestly, I probably pray more when David is traveling than any other time.  He’s in the middle of several trips to OH and I’m struggling to be able to pray that prayer.  I don’t know if I want to pray that prayer.  Of course I know that God is in control.  Of course I want to be drawn closer to the Lord with every breath.  Of course I know Christians grow spiritually during devastating times in life…that’s the whole purpose of my blog.  However, this prayer, or a similar one, makes me feel like I’m giving God the okay to allow something devastating to happen.  Duh…God’s Will is almighty and He knows what He’s doing and the end result.  I will grow closer to Him no matter what happens in my life because I know these things and I have learned the hard way that I cannot handle life on my own.  I know He doesn’t look for my permission or approval…it’s definitely the other way around, but that’s what I feel like I’m doing if I verbalize that prayer. 

Maybe some of you aren’t as scared of flying as I am or have an easier time praying this prayer during travel.  So, could you pray this during a tornado?  Heavy, right?  For those of you who don’t know much about me, I’m from Hueytown.  My grandparents are from Concord, my sister lives in Oak Grove, my daddy used to live in Pleasant Grove, and in less than a year, all have been affected by tornadoes.  First of all, growing up in Hueytown has made me pretty fascinated by storms.  We are the family that stands out on the front porch while James Spann is in the background telling us to hunker down.  Unfortunately, because of all of all of the storms in the area, James is pretty much able to tell exactly which houses need to hunker down.  In 1998, tornadoes became real to me when an F4 wiped out OG.  You always hear that they won’t hit the same place twice (I’d bet the city of Cullman would disagree since they were hit by I think 3 in one day), but in April an EF3 took out Concord and PG.  Both of my grandmothers’ houses were effected in Concord, one only losing power when the other gained a tree and was later torn down.  The church I grew up in blew away along with the house in PG that my daddy had moved out of only a month before.  Still, everyone was very fortunate. Hearing “houses in Hueytown are leveled” on the radio and all the phone lines down made me not so fascinated with storms anymore.  Then, three days ago an EF2 took out an area close to my sister’s house in OG.  (Never hitting the same spot?  How about dancing all around it?)  During the next tornado, can you pray to be drawn closer to the Lord…no matter what?  I don’t know if I can do it.  I have faith in the Lord and know without doubt that He is enough and He is almighty, but can I actually pray for the “no matter what”?  Jeremiah 29:11 ~ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

My prayer for us is that we can whole-heartedly ask God to draw us closer to Him…no matter what.

New Direction

I have been so excited to hear from everyone who has read my blog.  I’ve had so many good conversations about it that have led to praising the Lord!  I don’t know why I’m ever surprised by His works, because He is almighty and perfect; but I’m blown away just the same.  I am just amazed at how happy and confident I am when I’m in His will.  It makes me want to kick myself for all the times I’ve wasted trying to do my thing, when if I would just give in, I’d be 1000 times happier with Him…as I am now. 

The teacher in me wants to first apologize for all of the typos in my first post!  As I read your comments this week, I went back and re-read what I’ve written so far and was so embarrassed at all of the errors!  I did proof read, but I guess that entry was a little too emotional to catch errors.

With that said, I can now write about what’s happened since Wednesday.  I’d posted a few entries before I shared the blog because I wasn’t quite ready to share.  From the get go, though, I knew that God wanted me to make it public…it just wasn’t the right time yet.  Wednesday came around and I was so excited.  I knew Tuesday night that Wednesday was the day to share it with you.  I wanted to let David read it first, since he didn’t even know I was writing, and then get his blessing to share it with everyone.  He hopped right on board and I had it ready so I could link it on FB through my phone.  I never imagined so many people would read it.  I really thought only my family and a few people I talk to regularly would check it out…once, but then the comments started rolling in.  People were letting me know they were thinking about me and saying prayers.  Others shared their testimonies or similar stories, while others simply praised the Lord!

I have become painfully shy since I’ve been married.  I think this is because when we moved, I had to make friends -  which is something I’d never really had to do.  I didn’t have to make friends in H’town…they were just there from the beginning.  When David and I got married, he’d lived out here for a year and had already made a few friends.  I was completely reliant on him since I didn’t know anyone.  Since then, I’ve found it very hard to open up to people; therefore making it hard to make friends.  I keep to myself and rarely tell people what’s going on in my life.  I know this has earned me the impression that I’m stuck up…which is probably true to a degree, but the truth is I’m just too shy to talk to people!  When God sent the blog idea to my, I tried to talk myself out of it.  I felt that if I wanted people to know something, I’d tell them.  More importantly though, God wants people to know and He’s allowing me to open up through blogging.  I want to say, “Praise the Lord!  At least He’s letting me write instead of talk,” but the blog is just opening the door to those conversations.  The ones I’ve always found quite uncomfortable.  Luckily, I’ve got God on my side and since it’s what He wants me to do…those conversations have not been uncomfortable at all!  Instead, I’ve been excited to share with people and find out how God’s words have impacted them. Now I can say, “Praise the Lord!”

As I re-read my first few entries, I was blown away at my growth since the first one.  I’ve not had a “woe is me” moment or questioned what I’m doing since I began this new journey.  I keep reminding myself that God is ALL I need - If I get discouraged, or frustrated, or start to complain.

I am excited to know that I am doing exactly what He has asked of me.  I have known for several months that there were pieces of my life that I needed to turn over to Him, but I didn’t want my plans to not work out.  As I said in a previous post…God’s plan will always win.  Once I realized this, and allowed myself to give into what I knew I had to do, I was overwhelmed with peace.  In Crazy Love, Frances Chan writes about a time during seminary when his professor asked the class what, in their lives, required complete faith.  FC said at that time, there wasn’t anything.  He felt like if he were not a Christian, his life would be about the same.  This question tugged at my heart too.  Although there are some things that I give to God immediately, there were two big pieces that I couldn’t let go of.  Now that I have…I praise Him!  I know that He will make me happy…just because He is God.  Not because of things I think He will give me.  I told someone today that in the past few months, I would “act right” because if you delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart. ~ Psalm 37:4  Well, you can’t “act right” to get what you want.  God pointed me to another piece of scripture that helped me see that my way of thinking was not exactly what He was looking for: Proverbs 3:5-6 ~ Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.   “In all your ways, submit to Him…”  Done.  Praise God! 

My prayer for you is that you will Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him. ~Proverbs 3:5-6

Due Date

For about a month I’ve been trying to figure out how I could avoid this day altogether.  Yeah, I know a due date is just an estimate, but it’s all I really had to hold onto.  (I promise all of my posts won’t be about this, but I’ve been waiting on Jan. 11 to get her so I can get past it.)  I thought about taking off work and tried to convince David to not go to Ohio, but that would have only made me mopier.  Thankfully, I serve a God who loves me and gives me strength.  Like my earlier posts indicate, God has renewed my strength.  It’s been many, many months since I’ve truly been happy and I’ve actually been excited for today to come.  Although I thought the world couldn’t get any worse, God has shown me over the last few months that other families have suffered similar, if not more difficult, losses.  He has written another chapter in my story so that I can share it with “all nations” so that He will be glorified.

I serve a powerful God.  He has jerked the rug out from under me several times in life so that I will fall on my face before Him.  This time, although I’m sure it won’t be the last since I am a bit controlling, I think I heard Him!  You’ll probably think I’m a slow learner or just stubborn (both are probably true) but God’s message to me is that HIS Will will be done…not mine.  Duh…right?  I’ve repeated this message numerous times in my life, but I’m just now understanding it. I am a planner and I like to be in charge.  My friend Brittney, from work, will tell me she would like to help me plan/organize things, if it’s not too much of a control issue for me.  J So, my issues are not unnoticed.  I have learned to Cast all [my] anxiety on Him because He cares for [me]. ~ 1 Peter 5:7  and to not plan anything or make any decisions without consulting Him first.  His plan will always prevail, no matter how much I want mine to.  Therefore, it’s probably a good idea for me to want His Will as mine.  If I will trust in the Lord with all [my] heart and lean not on [my] own understanding ~ Proverbs 3:5  then His Will will become the desire of my heart.  Praise the Lord for His patience!

My prayer is that you will find peace and comfort in the Lord.  How great is God – beyond our understanding! ~ Job 36:26

Self Reflection

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I’ve “become” quite selfish as of late.  I put “become” in quotes because I guess I’ve realized that I haven’t “become”, but have “always been” selfish.  Obviously as earthly creatures we possess some form of selfishness.  I, however, have been hit slap in the face with just how selfish of a person I am.

I’ve said more than once that I had the mindset that I was too selfish to have kids.  I don’t like to share and definitely didn’t want to share my birthday, if that may be the case.  Well, the miscarriage fixed that.  I’m willing to be unselfish, and get this…SHARE MY BIRTHDAY with a child.  That was part of how my priorities changed after the miscarriage.  I guess I figured my new perspective alleviated all selfishness in me, but of course not.  If anything, having a “woe is me” attitude for the past 6 months has made me even more selfish.  I also have tried, probably very unsuccessfully to most of you, to be less materialistic.  This was also part of my new mindset though.  When people reached out to David and me after the miscarriage, I had people want to take me shopping or buy me stuff, etc.  Don’t get me wrong, I am greatly appreciative of this (and perhaps my crazy hormones played a factor), but I took it as people want to buy me stuff because they know material items make me happy.  This has always been true, so I’m not complaining about people’s gestures.  They were simply doing what they knew would work for me.  It just hit me kind of hard that I’m so materialistic and selfish, that the only thing people know to do for me to cheer me up is to buy stuff or take me shopping.  Talk about a rude awakening! 

I had a similar realization while I was teaching one day, too.  My kids love for me to tell stories.  I know it’s because I’m animated and long-winded and they realize that my stories are keeping them from having to work – but I like to do it anyway.  We were talking about famous people from Alabama and got on the topic of Kathryn Tucker Windham and her ghost stories.  I told them how my sister’s fourth grade class had some sort of pumpkin carving contest or something at Sloss Furnace and KTW was there telling ghost stories.  I was only 5 at the time and I remember being SO scared.  I couldn’t sleep because my mind was filled with her ghost stories.  The only way I could settle my nerves was to sing “Happy Birthday” to myself.  (I even catch myself singing it when I’m scared at 27!)  So I realized that I am so into myself that the only thing that would calm me down was singing “Happy Birthday.”  Really?  Am I that conceited?

My last example of realizing my “hoity-toityness” came last weekend (before I began to give God control of my life again).  David and I had gone out to dinner and I’d asked to go to Sonic for dessert.  I’m not really sure what all I had said or even where we’d been, but I know I had not displayed a gracious, “Rejoice in the Lord always,” attitude.  I ordered a Sonic Blast and for some reason they’ve changed the cups they’re in.  Instead of the typical cardboard cup, now they have some sort of silver, thermal-y cups.  Well, I didn’t like them!  As the waitress (who has no input in what types of cups are used, I’m sure) delivered the SB, I very loudly and very rudely, emphasized how gross and dumb the new cups were.  Seriously.  A cup!  God didn’t use a tragedy or a story this time to get my attention…he used David!  He jumped right in and said I should think about what I say and how I say it because people probably think I’m snotty, uptight, and high maintenanced (I don’t remember exactly what he called me, but you get the idea).  Of course I got mad at David for calling me names, but he was simply holding me accountable of my behavior.   

Needless to say, I’ve had quite the eye-openers lately.  God uses so many things to get your attention.  I’ve learned that I have been a living example of Matthew 12:34 ~ For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.  I hope that lately, I’ve been living on the flip side of that verse.  I know I’m a work in progress, but I don’t want bitterness and selfishness and holier-than-thou attitudes in my heart, because what is in my heart is reflected in my actions and attitude.

So, I apologize to anyone I may have offended lately.  I’d allowed Satan to take control, because frankly, it was easier.  However, my God expects more from me.  It is my duty, as a follower of Christ, to live as Christ lived. ~ 1 John 2:6.  Like I said, I’m a work in progress, so please – point out my shortcomings.  Mike said this week that if you’re going to witness, you first have to live as a witness. 

My prayer for you is that your heart is abundant with Grace and Love For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. ~ Matthew 12:34

"Crazy Alabama" Weather

I love the beach…and by the beach I mean the Gulf coast.  I don’t consider any other beaches “the beach.”  I’ve been to the Atlantic and the Pacific coasts and the Caribbean, and nothing has compared to the Gulf of Mexico.  With that being said though, there is nothing that makes me feel the size of our God than sitting on a beach (any beach), looking out over the water, and seeing no end.  I like spending the entire day at the beach.  I people watch, catch up on reading, get a tan, and think about my size compared to God’s.   I think about how big the Earth is, and then I think about how much bigger the Heavens must be.  I truly stand in awe of the Lord, God Almighty.

A couple of things have brought the beach to my mind.  1) Crazy Love challenges readers to think about God’s love and creation; 2) It’s January…Christmas is over, and I’m ready or spring.

1)  Think about what you can see, touch, smell, taste, and hear of God’s creation…and that’s not even half of it!  He, of course, created it for Him; but He created it for me too!  Even if no one else were on this Earth, He loved me enough to create me.  Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.~ Jeremiah 1:5  That verse alone wows me. I am grateful God is using this book to remind me of the simple things.  He is who He is and He created everything…for Him, for you, and for me.  Period.  It’s that simple.

2) I have never been quiet about my preference of warm weather versus cold.  Besides boots, there’s not much I enjoy about cold weather.  Until yesterday…

It was COLD yesterday, but God has been reminding me to Rejoice in the Lord always.~ Philippians 4:4  So before I complained I recited Philippians 4:4 to myself (I did this a LOT yesterday).  Last week it was near 70 degrees and last night the low was 22.  I think by the end of the week it will be in the mid 60s again.  I tend to gripe about the “crazy Alabama weather” a lot, but what I realized last night as I bundled up with my seat warmers on and my heat on full blast, was that it’s not Alabama weather…it’s God’s weather.  I realize it’s quite pathetic that I’ve not figured that out in 27 years.  That just shows how wrapped up in myself I am.  As I was “rejoicing in the Lord” I thanked him for the “crazy Alabama weather” and then kind of laughed to myself at my revelation.  This crazy weather is just another way God shows His mightiness.  The weather shows that He can make it do whatever He wants no matter what time of the year.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand His power when it comes to storms and floods.  I even discussed this with David a few years ago when the lake flooded.  We talked about the craziness of the roads being closed due to water, yet a year or two before, we were being forced to water our grass only every other day because of water shortages during a drought.  I just never thought about simple, day-to-day weather being God’s doing.  I always blamed Alabama.

So my point to this is that God is humbling me.  Mike preached on 2 Chronicles 7 this week where God commands us to humble ourselves before Him.  I’ve also been thinking about James 4:10 lately: Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will lift you up. Obviously, God is trying to get my attention and he did last night with the thermometer!  I am humbled by God’s greatness.  I am humbled by His might.  I am humbled by His power and creation.  Who am I compared to Him?  I kept repeating in a conversation with Him last night, that “I am nothing.”  Compared to God’s holiness…I am nothing.  Praise the Lord for this!  Praise the Lord for “crazy Alabama weather!”  He has gotten my attention and I cannot wait to see what’s in store for me! 

My prayer for you is that you will humble yourself before the Lord. 

The Important Stuff

I’ve always told myself (and my anti-social network husband) that I don’t have time to blog.  I thought I may do it once we had kids, so I could write down the milestones and funny moments, but I’m getting a jumpstart on it.  I love to write and writing has gotten me through many rough times in life, but I’ve done so much writing in the last couple of years for National Boards, that I’m a little over it.  However, I need healing, and writing has always helped me over those “humps” in life.

I love to talk about myself, so blogging my turn out to be quite fun for me.  I also avoid things – the big things.  So this may be hard in the beginning.

The important stuff:

• I am a Christian…hoping this blog will help me grow in my Walk.

I remember telling my parents I wanted to be baptized when I was probably 6 or 7 years old.  I simply did this because my cousin and friends had recently been “dunked”.  I had no idea what it meant, but remember thinking that I was supposed to do it because my friends were doing it.  I was raised going to church on Sunday mornings and remember my mother saying that we had to go because she had to keep the nursery.  My G’Maw would sometimes take me to “training union” or “Gas.”  (I still don’t know what “GA” stands for.)  It wasn’t until a revival when I was in 7^th grade that I was saved.  There was a boy who had come with his grandmother (as had I) and everyone was whispering about him needing to be there.  I didn’t have a clue who he was, but began praying for him…because that what everyone else was doing.  He went to the altar on night, and I followed him – because my prayers were coming true.  So I thought.  In reality, God was working in me.  He used this boy (who I think was later arrested…) to get me to talk to him from my heart.  The next day, I remember being at school thinking, “I was Saved last night.”

Now, my actions DID NOT reflect my new salvation.  By this time, I was in the youth department and went to church solely to socialize.  I didn’t know what it meant to be a Christian, nor was I surrounded by Christians.  I lived my life, the way I wanted to, until high school.  At this time, I had begun attending a different church with a large youth group who lived as God’s children.  That was a time that I was closest with the Lord…although I believe a lot of it was put on because that was what was expected.  Even so, I loved the Lord, I studied His Word, and I was radical.  I look back on those years, and even if some of it was put on, I long to be that radical again.  I didn’t care what people thought or what I did, because I was on fire for Jesus! 

Since then, my Christian walk has been somewhat of a roller coaster.

• I have been married to David for 5 ½ years

David and I met when I was in the 8^th or 9^th grade.  I was what I called a “crash dummy” when my sister started driving.  Everywhere she went, I had to go.  She was on colorguard and David was in the band, and those two groups went to Pizza Village one early dismissal day.  (I may have met him before then, but this is my first memory.)  One of us was playing pool – I don’t remember – but he said something to me that I didn’t like and I threw the pool stick at him.  Needless to say, we didn’t like each other at first.  Sometime between then and now, we built up a tolerance for one another, and then eventually a liking that eventually led to a  marriage.  We got married on July 1, 2006 and went back to my parents’ house to open gifts and watch Daytona – we were quite redneck back then. J We lived the first two weeks of our marriage in a camper and I HATED it!  It has scarred me for life and because of it, I will never again camp.  I was terribly ungrateful that I was 21, a newly wed, and getting a brand new house.  All I thought about was that my feet hung off the bed!

We’ve been married for 5 ½ years now, and it’s been the easiest thing I’ve ever done in my life.  I love being a wife and spending every day with my best friend.  I am blessed beyond anything I could ever have imagined for myself. 

• I teach 4^th grade

I have been called by God to be a teacher.  Marrying David and becoming a teacher are probably the only two things in my life where I am certain I have followed God’s Will.  I challenge myself each day to be better than the day before.  That’s not always easy, but it’s my daily goal.

• I have a dog – Remi

Remi is like my child.  We dress her up, she sleeps with us, and we spoil her (David has even moved her food into the living room so she can be near us when she eats dinner…he’s a pushover!)  We had a cat, Moo, but she peed on my bed and David made me get rid of her.  I asked him if he is going to make me get rid of our kids when they pee on stuff…he didn’t answer J

• I’ve been trying (unsuccessfully) for 3 years to become a Nationally Board Certified Teacher

I made a professional goal when I was in college to become Nationally Board Certified.  The first year, I know that I had not given it to God.  It was a decision I’d made and went forth with.  I did not score high enough, was terribly upset, and realized it was only the 2^nd time in my life that I’d failed at something.  The next go around (you get three chances…as long as you’re forking out the money), I gave it to Him, prayed over my work, worked my butt off, and still didn’t make it.  I have until the end of the month to decide if I’m going to try again, but I haven’t made that decision.  I just can’t figure out what God wants me to do.  I am praying for direction and that I will listen to Him.

• I’ve had a miscarriage

So this is where the healing comes in.  David and I had decided that we would start talking about planning a family at the end of the summer of 2011.  I found out I was pregnant in May 2011.  Not entirely planned, but where I was in my life, it was going to have to happen that way if it were going to happen at all.  I was convinced that I am too selfish for kids.  I don’t like to share and I didn’t want to get fat.

Having something inside of me totally freaked me out.  It was gross and I kept envisioning the scene in Breaking Dawn where Bella’s baby is eating its way out of her.  I loved being pregnant.  I wasn’t really sick, I felt great, and I had started getting in “mommy mode”.  I am a very heavy sleeper, but I’d begun sleeping very lightly.  I was getting a very small baby bump (I was probably the only one who could notice it), and I’d begun to eat.  I don’t like to eat, but I was eating all kinds of different stuff.  My big craving was meat.  Not much of a meat eater, but my body wanted meat.  Sweets – my main food source – did not interest me.  I loved it!  I also felt protective of my baby.  I’d go to WebMD or BabyCenter.com or something like that, and find out what was developing each week then spend time in prayer that each piece of my baby was developing perfectly.  Being an eternal pessimist, I knew something COULD happen, but being hopeful, hoping that it wouldn’t.  I wouldn’t let myself get attached or excited until I’d hit the 8 week mark.  At 9 weeks, David and I went to LA for vacation.  One day, I was shopping by myself and went into Bloomingdale’s.  Not wanting to spend a lot of money on anything, but still wanting to get my first “little brown bag,” I ended up in the baby department and bought two little stuffed animal blanket things.  Although I’d already received a baby gift, that purchase seemed to be the confirmation that everything was okay and I was going to be a mommy.  The excitement had begun!  By the end of the week, I’d started spotting.  I called the nurse and she said everything was probably fine.  I’d done a lot of walking and my sleep schedule had been altered, and those were normal causes of early spotting. I was trying to be okay and convince David that everything was fine, all the while searching online for what was happening.  Of course the internet gave no good explanations and recommended a trip to the ER which was not going to happen on my vacation.  I okay until the following Tuesday.  I woke up that morning and knew what was happening.  I cried until I woke David up.  We prayed and I called the doctor.  They said I needed to come on in…not helping my emotions.  The eternal pessimist was preparing herself for the news that David and I would receive later that day.  As we were getting the ultrasound, I asked the nurse if everything was okay.  She kept telling me I’d have to wait on the doctor.  At our first ultrasound, she’d turned on the sound so we could hear the heartbeat.  This time she didn’t.  I’m sure that part of protocol, but it only confirmed what I knew had happened.  We were sent back to wait on the doctor and I kept trying to prepare David for what we were going to learn, still hoping, deep down, that I’d be wrong.  The On Call doctor came in the room with an expression that said it all.  He introduced himself, apologized for the circumstances, and then delivered the news that our baby didn’t have a heartbeat.  What he said after that will have to be told by David because I didn’t hear it.  I was devastated and wanted it out of me at the same time.  I couldn’t imagine living another day knowing that my baby wasn’t alive inside of me.  A D&C was scheduled for the following day and David said my first words to him when he saw me afterward were, “I want a baby!”  Since then, having a baby, or not having my baby, have been all that I have thought about.

Since we had to see the On Call doctor that day, my doctor called later that evening to check on me.  She said I’d made it to 8 weeks and 5 days (although it was exactly 10 weeks into my pregnancy when I found out).  After the feared “8 week” mark.  I was only two months along, but to my knowledge, almost three and already excited and planning when I found out I’d lost my baby.  Here’s where the avoiding things comes in.  I was doped up a good week before I could function without meds.  My body and hormones were out of whack until October (this all happened in June).  My emotions, six months later, are still going crazy…and I mean CRAZY!  Like I mentioned, it’s all I’ve thought about for the last six months.  I think I allowed myself to grieve for a week, maybe two, but then I decided I was supposed to be over it and move on.  In fact, I went to a meeting three days after I’d had surgery!  I’ve pretended to be happy for the past six months.  I’m not so sure I’ve been really good my pretending, but I’ve tried.  Right before Christmas, I started getting formula in the mail for my “newborn.”  That just reminded me that in a few weeks, I am supposed to have a baby…not good for those CRAZY emotions. I had a melt down saying that I was tired of being sad and tired of pretending like I wasn’t sad. David told me that I hadn’t let myself grieve and had tried to avoid what happened.  Totally true.  He knows me so well!  I still don’t want to be sad, so I’m not sure if I’m doing really well with the allowing myself to grieve process.  These past couple of weeks have been hard.  I am absolutely dreading next Wednesday…my due date.  I think the dreading is worse than what the actual day will be like.  I’ve had a feeling all along that I would deliver on the 9^th…I said that Alabama would go to the National Championship and I would deliver on that day…the first part has happened – and there’s a full moon on the 9^th! 

I’m still sad, but as I’ve been reading Crazy Love, I have been reminded of Philippians 4:4: “Rejoice in the Lord Always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!”   I pray that Crazy Love and blogging will remind me that God is in control.  He has a perfect plan.  I am entirely at peace with the miscarriage.  God has revealed plenty of reasons and results from it, although I know there are many more that he hasn’t revealed to me.  The physical things are what makes me sad.  The fact that my due date is in a week, I’m not pregnant again, and there are so many people around me who are pregnant.  God has made me step away from what’s comfortable, and I have chosen to sink inside myself, become resentful and ungrateful, and extremely judgmental.  Right around the time of my meltdown, I began to realize my negative attitude.  I am ashamed that it has taken me so long to see it, but I am now aware of how rude I have become.  My priorities changed this summer and for that I am grateful.  Unfortunately, as I sank into my own sorrow, my new way of thinking became cynical and snobbish. I felt like nothing else mattered in this world besides the bad stuff that has happened to me.  I felt like nothing was worthy of my time or stress because it was insignificant in the big picture of life.  We were given Crazy Love to read as a Sunday school class.  Of course, it’s hunting season so we’ve missed a few Sundays.  The week we got the book, many people had already read part of it and shared their new revelations through their reading.  I decided that I didn’t want to read it because 1) I don’t like to be made to read things I don’t choose, 2) We are reading chapter by chapter and since we miss a few Sundays, I wouldn’t know where we were, and 3) I knew it would reveal my shortcomings and I didn’t want to change.  I remember thinking about my third excuse specifically.  I knew it was against God’s obvious plan for me, but I was content in my depression.  I started reading it a few nights ago and couldn’t put it down.  I am excited to get it finished!  God has reminded me to rejoice in Him and not to be anxious.  No matter how much I long for a child, God is all I need.  He is enough.

I am excited about my journey with a renewed mindset and open heart.  Of course it will take constant prayer and ups and downs, but I am ready to be happy again.  I’ve been reminded that without Him, I have nothing.  Who am I to be sad?  I am in awe of the Lord. 

So far, blogging has been helpful…let’s see where it takes me J  May God be enough for you!