I’ve always told myself (and my anti-social network husband) that I don’t have time to blog. I thought I may do it once we had kids, so I could write down the milestones and funny moments, but I’m getting a jumpstart on it. I love to write and writing has gotten me through many rough times in life, but I’ve done so much writing in the last couple of years for National Boards, that I’m a little over it. However, I need healing, and writing has always helped me over those “humps” in life.
I love to talk about myself, so blogging my turn out to be quite fun for me. I also avoid things – the big things. So this may be hard in the beginning.
The important stuff:
- I am a Christian…hoping this blog will help me grow in my Walk.
I remember telling my parents I wanted to be baptized when I was probably 6 or 7 years old. I simply did this because my cousin and friends had recently been “dunked”. I had no idea what it meant, but remember thinking that I was supposed to do it because my friends were doing it. I was raised going to church on Sunday mornings and remember my mother saying that we had to go because she had to keep the nursery. My G’Maw would sometimes take me to “training union” or “Gas.” (I still don’t know what “GA” stands for.) It wasn’t until a revival when I was in 7th grade that I was saved. There was a boy who had come with his grandmother (as had I) and everyone was whispering about him needing to be there. I didn’t have a clue who he was, but began praying for him…because that what everyone else was doing. He went to the altar on night, and I followed him – because my prayers were coming true. So I thought. In reality, God was working in me. He used this boy (who I think was later arrested…) to get me to talk to him from my heart. The next day, I remember being at school thinking, “I was Saved last night.”
Now, my actions DID NOT reflect my new salvation. By this time, I was in the youth department and went to church solely to socialize. I didn’t know what it meant to be a Christian, nor was I surrounded by Christians. I lived my life, the way I wanted to, until high school. At this time, I had begun attending a different church with a large youth group who lived as God’s children. That was a time that I was closest with the Lord…although I believe a lot of it was put on because that was what was expected. Even so, I loved the Lord, I studied His Word, and I was radical. I look back on those years, and even if some of it was put on, I long to be that radical again. I didn’t care what people thought or what I did, because I was on fire for Jesus!
Since then, my Christian walk has been somewhat of a roller coaster.
- I have been married to David for 5 ½ years
David and I met when I was in the 8th or 9th grade. I was what I called a “crash dummy” when my sister started driving. Everywhere she went, I had to go. She was on colorguard and David was in the band, and those two groups went to Pizza Village
We’ve been married for 5 ½ years now, and it’s been the easiest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I love being a wife and spending every day with my best friend. I am blessed beyond anything I could ever have imagined for myself.
- I teach 4th grade
I have been called by God to be a teacher. Marrying David and becoming a teacher are probably the only two things in my life where I am certain I have followed God’s Will. I challenge myself each day to be better than the day before. That’s not always easy, but it’s my daily goal.
- I have a dog – Remi
Remi is like my child. We dress her up, she sleeps with us, and we spoil her (David has even moved her food into the living room so she can be near us when she eats dinner…he’s a pushover!) We had a cat, Moo, but she peed on my bed and David made me get rid of her. I asked him if he is going to make me get rid of our kids when they pee on stuff…he didn’t answer J
- I’ve been trying (unsuccessfully) for 3 years to become a Nationally Board Certified Teacher
I made a professional goal when I was in college to become Nationally Board Certified. The first year, I know that I had not given it to God. It was a decision I’d made and went forth with. I did not score high enough, was terribly upset, and realized it was only the 2nd time in my life that I’d failed at something. The next go around (you get three chances…as long as you’re forking out the money), I gave it to Him, prayed over my work, worked my butt off, and still didn’t make it. I have until the end of the month to decide if I’m going to try again, but I haven’t made that decision. I just can’t figure out what God wants me to do. I am praying for direction and that I will listen to Him.
- I’ve had a miscarriage
So this is where the healing comes in. David and I had decided that we would start talking about planning a family at the end of the summer of 2011. I found out I was pregnant in May 2011. Not entirely planned, but where I was in my life, it was going to have to happen that way if it were going to happen at all. I was convinced that I am too selfish for kids. I don’t like to share and I didn’t want to get fat.
Having something inside of me totally freaked me out. It was gross and I kept envisioning the scene in Breaking Dawn where Bella’s baby is eating its way out of her. I loved being pregnant. I wasn’t really sick, I felt great, and I had started getting in “mommy mode”. I am a very heavy sleeper, but I’d begun sleeping very lightly. I was getting a very small baby bump (I was probably the only one who could notice it), and I’d begun to eat. I don’t like to eat, but I was eating all kinds of different stuff. My big craving was meat. Not much of a meat eater, but my body wanted meat. Sweets – my main food source – did not interest me. I loved it! I also felt protective of my baby. I’d go to WebMD or BabyCenter.com or something like that, and find out what was developing each week then spend time in prayer that each piece of my baby was developing perfectly. Being an eternal pessimist, I knew something COULD happen, but being hopeful, hoping that it wouldn’t. I wouldn’t let myself get attached or excited until I’d hit the 8 week mark. At 9 weeks, David and I went to LA for vacation. One day, I was shopping by myself and went into Bloomingdale’s. Not wanting to spend a lot of money on anything, but still wanting to get my first “little brown bag,” I ended up in the baby department and bought two little stuffed animal blanket things. Although I’d already received a baby gift, that purchase seemed to be the confirmation that everything was okay and I was going to be a mommy. The excitement had begun! By the end of the week, I’d started spotting. I called the nurse and she said everything was probably fine. I’d done a lot of walking and my sleep schedule had been altered, and those were normal causes of early spotting. I was trying to be okay and convince David that everything was fine, all the while searching online for what was happening. Of course the internet gave no good explanations and recommended a trip to the ER which was not going to happen on my vacation. I okay until the following Tuesday. I woke up that morning and knew what was happening. I cried until I woke David up. We prayed and I called the doctor. They said I needed to come on in…not helping my emotions. The eternal pessimist was preparing herself for the news that David and I would receive later that day. As we were getting the ultrasound, I asked the nurse if everything was okay. She kept telling me I’d have to wait on the doctor. At our first ultrasound, she’d turned on the sound so we could hear the heartbeat. This time she didn’t. I’m sure that part of protocol, but it only confirmed what I knew had happened. We were sent back to wait on the doctor and I kept trying to prepare David for what we were going to learn, still hoping, deep down, that I’d be wrong. The On Call doctor came in the room with an expression that said it all. He introduced himself, apologized for the circumstances, and then delivered the news that our baby didn’t have a heartbeat. What he said after that will have to be told by David because I didn’t hear it. I was devastated and wanted it out of me at the same time. I couldn’t imagine living another day knowing that my baby wasn’t alive inside of me. A D&C was scheduled for the following day and David said my first words to him when he saw me afterward were, “I want a baby!” Since then, having a baby, or not having my baby, have been all that I have thought about.
Since we had to see the On Call doctor that day, my doctor called later that evening to check on me. She said I’d made it to 8 weeks and 5 days (although it was exactly 10 weeks into my pregnancy when I found out). After the feared “8 week” mark. I was only two months along, but to my knowledge, almost three and already excited and planning when I found out I’d lost my baby. Here’s where the avoiding things comes in. I was doped up a good week before I could function without meds. My body and hormones were out of whack until October (this all happened in June). My emotions, six months later, are still going crazy…and I mean CRAZY! Like I mentioned, it’s all I’ve thought about for the last six months. I think I allowed myself to grieve for a week, maybe two, but then I decided I was supposed to be over it and move on. In fact, I went to a meeting three days after I’d had surgery! I’ve pretended to be happy for the past six months. I’m not so sure I’ve been really good my pretending, but I’ve tried. Right before Christmas, I started getting formula in the mail for my “newborn.” That just reminded me that in a few weeks, I am supposed to have a baby…not good for those CRAZY emotions. I had a melt down saying that I was tired of being sad and tired of pretending like I wasn’t sad. David told me that I hadn’t let myself grieve and had tried to avoid what happened. Totally true. He knows me so well! I still don’t want to be sad, so I’m not sure if I’m doing really well with the allowing myself to grieve process. These past couple of weeks have been hard. I am absolutely dreading next Wednesday…my due date. I think the dreading is worse than what the actual day will be like. I’ve had a feeling all along that I would deliver on the 9th…I said that Alabama
I’m still sad, but as I’ve been reading Crazy Love, I have been reminded of Philippians 4:4: “Rejoice in the Lord Always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” I pray that Crazy Love and blogging will remind me that God is in control. He has a perfect plan. I am entirely at peace with the miscarriage. God has revealed plenty of reasons and results from it, although I know there are many more that he hasn’t revealed to me. The physical things are what makes me sad. The fact that my due date is in a week, I’m not pregnant again, and there are so many people around me who are pregnant. God has made me step away from what’s comfortable, and I have chosen to sink inside myself, become resentful and ungrateful, and extremely judgmental. Right around the time of my meltdown, I began to realize my negative attitude. I am ashamed that it has taken me so long to see it, but I am now aware of how rude I have become. My priorities changed this summer and for that I am grateful. Unfortunately, as I sank into my own sorrow, my new way of thinking became cynical and snobbish. I felt like nothing else mattered in this world besides the bad stuff that has happened to me. I felt like nothing was worthy of my time or stress because it was insignificant in the big picture of life. We were given Crazy Love to read as a Sunday school class. Of course, it’s hunting season so we’ve missed a few Sundays. The week we got the book, many people had already read part of it and shared their new revelations through their reading. I decided that I didn’t want to read it because 1) I don’t like to be made to read things I don’t choose, 2) We are reading chapter by chapter and since we miss a few Sundays, I wouldn’t know where we were, and 3) I knew it would reveal my shortcomings and I didn’t want to change. I remember thinking about my third excuse specifically. I knew it was against God’s obvious plan for me, but I was content in my depression. I started reading it a few nights ago and couldn’t put it down. I am excited to get it finished! God has reminded me to rejoice in Him and not to be anxious. No matter how much I long for a child, God is all I need. He is enough.
I am excited about my journey with a renewed mindset and open heart. Of course it will take constant prayer and ups and downs, but I am ready to be happy again. I’ve been reminded that without Him, I have nothing. Who am I to be sad? I am in awe of the Lord.
So far, blogging has been helpful…let’s see where it takes me J May God be enough for you!
